Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (EHV)
We recently celebrated Father’s Day, rightly noting that fathers are a blessing to their families. God tells us in his Word that fathers are to lead their families, and children are to obey their parents.
For some fathers, however, the instruction in Ephesians 6:4 might be very guilt-inducing. Dads, have your children ever gotten angry with you? We’d be surprised if they haven’t. Does this mean you sinned by provoking them to anger?
We need to remember what is meant by provoking children. In The People’s Bible commentary on the book of Ephesians by Rev. Armin J. Panning (Northwestern Publishing House), we are reminded that “temperamental outbursts and undue harshness on the part of parents can do major harm to tender souls.” This is absolutely true, especially for children who have histories of trauma.
Angry yelling and overreacting harshly can traumatize or re-traumatize children, and God does not want us to do that. Dads, if you do overreact and treat your children harshly, apologize to them for that sin. This will help your children heal and will model for them what to they should also do when they overreact. Then forgive yourself, knowing that Jesus died for that sin, and it is completely forgiven by God for Jesus’ sake.
Will your children sometimes become angry with you, even if you are not angrily overreacting? Yes, they will. Even a calm and gentle no can lead to an angry outburst from a child—again, especially if that child has a history of trauma. But a father lovingly saying no to something that is not good for the child is not an example of provoking that child to anger. Letting children have whatever they want, even if those things are not good or healthy for them, is not responsible parenting and will actually cause the children to be less secure, not more, because they need parents to be in charge.
Thankfully, this passage does not simply tell fathers what not to do, but also what they are to do. Fathers are to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. The Greek word used for training in this passage means “discipline.” Parents, particularly fathers, are told to use discipline to teach their children positive behaviors.
Some parents believe that discipline means “punishment,” and therefore punish every wrong behavior they see in children. Discipline may certainly sometimes involve negative consequences for poor choices, but the main idea of the word is “to teach.” Fathers are to teach their children the “instruction of the Lord.” The Bible is the basis for parental instruction. And the main instruction in the Bible can be summarized in two sentences spoken by our Savior:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37,39)
Love is to be the center of our relationships with our children. The children are gifts from God to parents—blessings he gives out of his love for us. Parents are to love children, and children love parents. Discipline is to be done out of love as well, to teach children to love God’s ways, love their neighbors, and most of all love God Himself.
Fathers, stay rooted to the Word and to your love for God. Pray that he will give you the wisdom and patience you need to lovingly raise your children—even those who get angry very easily—in the instruction of the Lord. Remember that your own Father, your heavenly Father, will equip you for this task. May God bless you in all you do for your recious children!
Dear God, I confess that I am not always as patient and loving as I should be. I do not always have the wisdom to know how best to handle my children’s behaviors, and I am not a perfect model of love. Forgive me for the times I have sinned as a parent, and give me the patience, wisdom, and love that I need to raise my children to follow you. I ask this for the sake of Jesus, who died for my sins and the sins of my children. Amen.
By Paul and Jane Mose